GAME CHANGER

As a midwife and mother, I have learned that pregnancy,childbirth and parenting are significant game changers. However, I was faced with the ultimate game changer in June of this year...one that changed my life forever. I was fortunate to have my last two children graduate from high school this year. Both boys (Atiba mm and Obioma) graduated from highly accredited schools in Massachusetts and Minnesota. Luckily the graduation ceremonies were a week a part so I booked a flight for both. In the weeks leading up to the graduations I was feeling under the weather but I was determined to see my sons walk across the stage. They had overcome so much in the four years...they lost their sister to cancer right before leaving for high school and managed to maintain an A/B grade point averages and had impeccable behaviour the entire time. I attributed my symptpons to menopause and was determined to be there to congratulate them and let them know how proud I was.June 1st finally arrived and Obioma made it to Groton and I had a grand time at Atiba's graduation. I made it back to Houston just in time to catch a baby and prepare for the next trip. The following weekend Atiba and I had plans to go to Minnesota for Obioma's graduation. Within that week the symptions that I was experiencing (weight loss, fatigue and constipation) lead me in another direction..the emergency room at Ben Taub. Needless to say, I did not make it to Minnesota. How do I tell my my last born child I won't be there on this very special day? What could stand in the way of my making this trip of a lifetime. I arrived at Ben Taub expection a long wait, a few test and a simple diagnosis, however, On Sunday June 8th 2014 armed with blood work and ultrasound, I was moved to the front of the line in triage and informed that more test were needed. I had to have an immediate blood transfusion...one turned into two. Blood transfusion, tests weight loss fatigue... The ultimate game changer... the unexpected game changer... Spleenic Lymphoma... Cancer After 4 outpatient heart to heart sessions with chem, I was declared asymptomatic, not in remission and not cured, but no symptoms. Those definitions are not assigned to my kind of cancer because I was told that it will come back. That was just the introduction. On my quest to understand my new life's journey my sisters surrounded me. tori prepared my sons. Bridget counseled my daughter, Haleemah rallied the team and Sadiyah helped me to see the light. If you know me, Sadiyah had the most difficult job because I had no idea what the dark looked like and definitely did not think I needed to be in the light or enlightened. Changing the game meant I had to learn to forgive. Sounds easy but I promise you that that concept ws not in my DNA. As I write these words now, the pain that I experienced when I first delved into my journey of self discovery came back. It is a pain in my heart that only got relieved when I tapped on my heart...I literally tapped my chest for relief. Please understand the pain was not associated with the cancer. It was related to the fact that I needed to forgive. Tn the beginning I was resistant. When my mind said no to the concept of forgivness my heart would ache and the tapping would begin. I was in a restaurant waiting on my to-go order and I begain to tap on my heart because of my thoughts. A woman at the next table told me to let go of whatever was troubling me because it will give me cancer. I looked her in her eyes and told her I already have it. Again she said "Let it go". Did my inability to forgive nourish my cancer? In the beginning, I was so blind that I asked Sadiyah what did forgivenss look like. After a series of sessions, she helped me to understand that the anger/dissippointment/pain that I had for my failed marrige had built up toxins in my mind,body and spirit. The only way to release them was through forgiveness. (As I type these words I have a faint reminder of the pain in my heart...A testament to the power of forgiveness.) The reason that I am sharing my experience is because I did not know that I was in as much pain about that relationship. I thought I had moved on with my life and healed from the experience. I was oh so wrong. The healing began when I forgave myself for being in the relationship and when I was able to forgive my ex-husband for not being able to love me the way I needed to be loved. The pain in my heart stopped completely in September. Now I am working on the rest of my life. For the first time I am anticipating my new healthy relationship this is coming and blossoming. I am putting the energy into The Birthing Place, my birthing center and I am energized to take it to the next level. I also am enjoying and appreciating the adults that my children are turning into. My cancer diagnosis was the game changer. It was a blessing because the ultimate game changer was learning to forgive. Forgiveness made me asymptpmatic of cancer and has freed me to love and be loved unconditionally.

The Hospital is Not for Everybody

When I first became a midwife I remember saying all the time "Homebirth is not for everybody." As midwives we are always defending our position that birth is normal, pregnancy is not an illness. Like today, most people were afraid of out of hospital birth and because they knew nothing about it thought that it was unsafe and a woman must be crazy to attempt such a feat. Today those thougths are still prevailent but there are more women who chose to have their babies outside of the hospital. I decided to write this blog because as midwives more and more women are coming to our offices upset, crying, dissappointed because of their hospital experiences. Why is that? When a women finds herself pregnant the first thought is I have to find a doctor. After that, the majority of women leave the rest of their care in their doctors hands. Instead of being cared for a woman's pregnacy is managed. They do not question the ultrasounds at 5 weeks, 12 weeks, 20 weeks, 32 weeks and of course you need one at 39 weeks because you have not gone into labor. When moms are given prenatal vitimins they are often also prescribed stool softeners because of the ill effects of the vitimins. Why not start with vitimins that do no harm? Many times there is no partnership in the relationship between doctor and patient. I don't have patients I have clients. One of the first understanding is that we are a team. The mom is the captain, The dad is the first mate and I am an advisor. We work together to achieve the best outcome. The stories that midwives hear from moms about their hospital experiences are varied, but there are two common themes: (1) I did not understand what I was agreeing to and (2) they did not listen to me. Ok moms, I understand you do not want an out of hospital birth. But it is so important for you to know what you are signing up for. Most doctors believe that the way they practice is the most efficient way to get the baby out. (Let's not forget: in a timely manner also). The actual process of labor is not that important because they rarely allow women to labor on their own with not interventions. My perspective of labor is that it is a story that sometimes is not revealed until much later. With my first child, Chinue I was in labor for 48 hours. Ayanna, my midwife asked me what was the matter. Out of the blue I responded I just want him to be my friend. She called him and came over. He put his hands on my shoulders and the baby came out. My second daughter was having none of that. Friend or no friend she made her exist in 5 hours. She wanted to eat at 3 months I told her to get some teeth and you can have some food. She woke up one morning at 4 months old with 4 teeth. No fever or drooling before hand, two on the top and two on the bottom. At nine months she decided to stop breastfeeding. I kept putting the breast in her mouth and she looked at me like, "Didn't I tell you I was done." We were so close so at 15 years old when I found out that she was sexually active I was mad as hell. I blew up like a Black mom can. Little did I know that 6 weeks after graduating from high school Maya would have a pain in her back and a month later be diagnosed with stage 4 osteosarcoma. I surely could not have predicted that she would be dead and ten months. In my time of reflection I have my pregnacy and labor to refect on. Maya had things to do. She did not waste a minute of it in her short life. I am so glad that she had sex when she did because she might not have experienced it. So once again I say that the hospital is not for every body. More and more women would like to experience birth, not have it managed and medicated. If you are one of those women, the next time someone asks you why would like want an out of hospital birth just tell them the hospital is not for everybody. Love you, Afua Hassan a midwife follows the path of a normal birth